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When Sarah Hendrickx met Keith Newton she thought he was just a little “weird” and was hurt by his apparent lack of concern for her feelings. Although they soon became lovers, she characterised him as a “heartless freak” while he saw her as an “overemotional troublemaker”.
As a marital therapist, I am familiar with this battle and most couples will have privately thought something similar about their partner at some point. However, Keith has Asperger’s syndrome, a type of autism characterised by an inability to read body language, poor social skills, sensory sensitivity and a narrow, obsessive range of interests.
It is thought that about 1 person in 100 is somewhere on this autism spectrum, but most remain unaware of their condition. So what’s it like loving someone with Asperger’s and, if some of the arguments sound like an extreme version of our own, what can the rest of us learn from the experience?
Sarah, 40, and Keith, 39, got together four years ago through an internet dating site. “Being together was idyllically wonderful, yet if something wasn’t quite right it would plummet into a hideous mess,” she says. “He would become colder and colder. I would ask those stupid female questions: ‘Do you think we will live together?’ He would say: ‘Seeing you once a week is enough for me. I don’t want any more.’ I’d get terribly upset and he would just be staring at me emotionless or he’d disappear.” As the couple write in their book – Asperger Syndrome: a Love Story (JKP, £12.99) – their relationship became so painful that they split up for a while.
By coincidence, Sarah got a job as a training manager for a project with adults with Asperger’s and told Keith about the courses that she had been sent on. He spent many hours on the internet reading about the syndrome but sees no benefit in getting an official diagnosis. (For adults, these are difficult to obtain on the NHS, costly if done privately, and necessary only if applying for disability benefits.) However, understanding Asperger’s has helped the couple to communicate better and Sarah is no longer upset by Keith’s literal and straightforward way of talking: “If there’s something that pops into his head, he’ll say it. He just does not have the edit button that everyone else does. One evening, in front of my brother and his wife, he said: ‘When you lean back your nose looks like the underside of my scrotum.’ They were horrified, but I laughed.”
Part of this acceptance is that Sarah has learnt how Keith’s brain works. Meanwhile, Keith has begun to realise that other people might add extra layers of meaning to what he says or does. As Sarah says: “He doesn’t understand why, but he accepts that I have a different viewpoint and later asks: ‘Did I go too far?’ ” “At first sight, many of these traits might sound like typical blokeish behaviour. However, Asperger’s syndrome is more complex (see box for the diagnostic questions) and about one person in four with the condition is a woman. Sarah believes her mother was one of them. “She wore only three colours: black, white, or grey. She ate only cheese sandwiches and drank tea. She had a phenomenal memory and could recall her childhood home to an amazing degree: the number of stairs between each floor, location of light switches, and colour and pattern of all the wallpaper. Unfortunately, there was little empathy, and in her words: ‘If you cried, you were being a bugger.’ She didn’t like being alive. But it was said in a matter-of-fact way: no tears, no pity. It was an odd thing to tell a 13-year-old.”
Unfortunately, many women with Asperger’s syndrome do not get a diagnosis. Martin, 37, began to suspect that his wife might have the condition when they found out their seven-year-old son had Asperger’s, as there is a strong genetic component to the condition. “It helped to make sense of a lot of things. Previously, I’d put her coldness down to her family, who are not touchy-feely people,” he says. “There’s this wall that I haven’t been able to break down; something not quite right.”
He misses the closeness: “We have regular sex, but there’s no emotional connection. I need emotions with sex. It can’t just be the act.” However, when he has tried to talk to his wife about Asperger’s, she has brushed off his suggestions.
Sometimes the tunnel vision associated with Asperger’s syndrome can work in favour of a relationship. Joanna Wilson, 43, has been married to Paul, 44, for 11 years. “At the beginning, I was his obsession and special interest. He lived in London and I lived in Devon and there were allnight phone calls. He’d tell me that he loved me. He’d write the most amazing letters and drive through the night to be with me, and we’d hardly sleep. Lovely, lovely stuff.”
He became obsessed with watches
However, everything changed just weeks after they married. For Joanna, who is now a Relate counsellor and has a private practice helping couples affected by Asperger’s, this was a horrible shock. “He wasn’t telling me that he loved me any more and he was spending more time in the garage on his bikes. He got into antique pocket watches, so he had these other interests and no time for me. I would want to talk about it and he couldn’t understand that I was upset. He would take everything I said literally and say to me, ‘If you’re not happy, we’ll agree it was a big mistake and get divorced.’ But I wanted to know what was wrong.”
The low point was a weekend break in Bath. “We discussed what we’d do financially if we got divorced. Although there was a lot of equity in the house, he was prepared to give it all to me. No questions. I couldn’t help but feel that something was not quite right.”
So what can the rest of us learn from these couples? First, the power of truly understanding your partner and putting yourself in their shoes. Before a friend of Joanna’s – who works with special-needs children – pointed out that her husband fitted the AS profile, parties were a nightmare. “I used to think: why can’t you just chat to people, smile and be friendly. I thought he was so selfish and wrapped up in himself. In learning about Asperger’s and Paul, I realise it’s not that he won’t but he can’t. That’s a huge difference. He cannot understand what small talk is all about. ‘Hello, have you had a good journey?’ Why would you want to ask that? He doesn’t want to know the answers, so why ask?”
Secondly, there is the acceptance of difference. Joanna says: “My husband doesn’t do any emotional housekeeping. However, he earns all the money and keeps me grounded. It’s a trade-off. He has strengths and I have strengths.”
Once these lessons are in place, couples – in which one partner has Asperger’s – can make peace with each other. Finally, with less pressure to be different, change becomes a possibility.
Andrew G. Marshall is the author of I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You (Bloomsbury, £8.99)
All about Asperger’s
What is Asperger’s syndrome? A form of autism, the disorder that impairs the ability to relate to others and understand body language, facial expressions and emotions. Those with Asperger’s often have above-average IQ. (For symptoms, see profile on facing page.)
What causes it? Scientists don’t know exactly, but they think a mix of environmental and genetic factors may alter brain development.
Treatment There is no specific treatment for autism. Approaches range from communication-based therapies to dietary changes. For more infomation, call the Autism Helpline on 0845 0704004
The Asperger’s profile
Your partner may have Asperger’s syndrome if he (or she) has most or all of the following traits. Does he . . .
1. Have difficulty interpreting body language and facial expressions?
2. Have difficulty understanding jokes, metaphor and sarcasm because he takes everything in a very literal way?
3. Struggle to maintain friendships?
4. Become withdrawn and seem to be uninterested in others, appearing aloof?
5. Have poor social awareness and find it hard to imagine how his behaviour impacts on other people?
6. Love routines and get very upset if these are broken?
7. Have an intense and all-consuming special interest or hobby?
8. Have sensory difficulties? Is he oversensitive to touch or smell or noise or to a particular taste (people with Asperger’s have a very limited diet). In some cases, there can be an undeveloped sense.
Adapted from the National Autistic Society website: www.nas.org.uk
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